WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

photo by Joan Fisher Photography 

photo by Joan Fisher Photography 

     I'd be lying if I said that my recent absence from blogging was needed, or that I had to take a step back due to other responsibilities. Truth is, this past year I have dealt with several things that I have never had to deal with before, and never anticipated having to. I was blindsided. I moved to Columbia Missouri last August with the mindset of a fresh start, new adventures, and new opportunities. And although I did get those things, I also entered a new chapter in my life where my mind and my heart would be challenged like never before. Now, I'm not looking for pity, but I do feel it is important to talk about these things, especially in the online world we live in, where everything seems so flawless and simple. 
     So for starters, last November I started developing an extremely bad case of acne. When I was in sixth grade, and just puberty in general, I used to get spots here and there, but nothing like this. I was breaking out all over my entire face. It got to the point where makeup really wasn't covering it, and this was keeping me from going out and socializing. I just wanted to hide in my bed because the person I thought I looked like was gone. I used to read stories of people that dealt with acne and think it could never be as bad as they were saying, but I was so incredibly wrong. Now, this posed a huge problem because I love being around people and I love sharing my life online, but how could I do that now? I will be the first person to admit the app FaceTune was my lifesaver and honestly kept me from going insane. I know some people will have their opinions, but when you have no other way of covering up something that is causing you so much pain, you do what you have to do. Months have passed, and since then I have moved back to St. Louis and started using a topical prescription which is working. My skin is healing, but my mind is still trying to deal with the repercussions of what happens when you really feel like you've lost control of yourself.
     This leads me to my next topic. Depression and anxiety. I have always been someone who has prided herself in being a pretty positive and level headed person. I would never let things really get to me and always felt pretty safe in my own mind. So when that all changed, it became very clear to me that I was entering uncharted territory and needed to proceed with caution. Easier said than done. I was so confused because I couldn't understand why now of all times this was happening to me? I couldn't sleep, it was hard to hold conversations, and I just didn't want to not deal with anyone or anything. I couldn't even really understand what exactly I was upset about. I was constantly thinking negative thoughts, and honestly, I think the worst part was I knew I was doing it and couldn't do anything about it. I so desperately wanted to diagnose myself, or give myself a concrete reason for why I was feeling what I was feeling, which led to more anxiety and the cycle would just go on. As of now, I'm thinking that the cause has to do with a combination of things... Moving out, getting a real job, transitioning from my teens into adulthood, my battle with acne, and simply just life. I wish I could say I fixed it and I'm all better now but that simply isn't true. These past two months of not posting I have just been trying to figure out what my new "normal" is going to look like. Even throughout this whole thing, I have tried to remind myself that only I can create my own happiness, and that it is so incredibly important to focus on loving yourself, before you can love others. Every day gets a little easier, baby step by baby step.
     I guess what I'm wanting is to make this post for all the people out their that are struggling with their own quiet battles. Especially with social media, we are constantly being shown the best parts of someone's life and it's always nice to be reminded that we are all dealing with something, and that we aren't alone. As for the future of KELYN. I am going to try my very best to get back to posting weekly. I have so many things I want to show you guys, and the excitement of that is really helping me with getting back in the swing of things. If anyone has ANY questions regarding what I've talked about do not hesitate to email me, message me, or text me. I hope everyone is having a great start to their summer and I'll talk to you guys soon!